The disclosure that McDonald’s is to launch a vegan burger in Britain for the first time must surely be the bleakest piece of gastronomic news to hit this country since the announcement of rationing in early 1940.

Jesus, a vegan Big Mac. The very thought. What on earth is there in the plant kingdom with which they might convincingly replicate the grey, morbid tang of their meat products? That lifeless chew. That turdy after-breath. That scent so redolent of a dead crow decomposing in a chimney.

Will they make the patty with second-hand airport carpet and anti-splash mesh from the men’s urinals? Will they fashion it from old pants, toe jam, diesel soot and the black mould that grows on tenement walls in the parts…